I follow you out to the balcony
Whisper to you from across the way
Watch you fan your face
(It’s always muggy here)
And sip your wine
Call your friends,
Talking loudly
Do you know I’m listening?

You hooked up with him last night
You say
Yes, you probably did, since you came back
With a spring in your step
You wish he was younger
And you twist your hair around your finger
Light up a cigarette and start swirling the smoke
Into the air

I could use my binoculars, but I like listening better I like imagining your face…

I never had the chance to try
to be a mom for you

to feel you growing inside me
to feel you surge in my belly
and kick me while I try to sleep
make friends before I see your
lovely face

feel your finger curl around mine
and your wet lips against my skin
as I nourish you
see your eyes light up as I coo
at you

feel my heart surge with love
at the sight of you
your eyes match deep earth
and your hair is the color of flame
your smile is crooked
but perfect

You…

I wish to be free
To believe what I want
And not be judged
Or damned
Or sentenced

To be told my future is
Now different than yours
Bleaker, that it will end in
destruction
Is puzzling

Because you don’t know me
You knew my mask of projection
And you assumed I was like you
Damaged
Gullible

And I was,
For a while
But I saw the colors change
I took note of the shadows
And I felt the shifting in my bones
From one truth to the next

Until the sacred became silly And my choices danced before me…